One Regret
by aaliona
Summary: Whatever anyone said, he was not a monster. He was not a prejudice jerk, nor was he heartless prat. Severus Snape had been called many things, but few of them were true. Lily understood that. At least, she used to.


**This was written for the ****Fear Factor, Fanfiction style Competition by flutter of angel wings. I've never really written about Snape before, but I do like the way it turned out. I hope you do too. **

Whatever anyone said, he was not a monster. He was not a prejudice jerk, nor was he heartless prat. Severus Snape had been called many things, but few of them were true. He was just like anyone else, a confused soul looking for answers, seeking comfort in the only person he could.

_Dear Severus,_

_ My parents let me get an owl! I just thought you'd like to know. We can use him to talk all summer if we like, even if you're grounded again. Does that sound great?_

_ Dear Lily,_

_ Sounds perfect, although I don't think I'll be grounded this year. Mum's gave up on giving up drinking so she's in a better mood. Was there anything in particular you wanted to talk about?_

_ Dear Severus,_

_ Not really. I do wish your mum didn't drink so much. It puts you in a bad mood when we hang out._

_ Dear Lily,_

_ It can't be helped. Anyway, it's not a problem. I can handle myself. You know I can._

_ Dear Severus,_

_ I know you can, Sev. It still worries me. As your friend, it's my job to worry about you._

Severus entered school a bit, well, different. Between his oversized hand-me-downs and his odd behavior, most people didn't care to make friends with him. In fact, most people didn't understand why Lily Evans wanted anything to do with him. He was a peculiar little Slytherin boy that even the other Slytherins ignored. What could a little muggleborn Gryffindor possibly want with him?

_Dear Sev,_

_ I'm sorry about not writing you sooner. I got home from school, and Mum and Dad told me right away that we were going on a surprise vacation to France! It was the best two weeks ever!_

_ Dear Lily,_

_ Sounds like you had a fun time. I've never been to France. What was it like?_

_ Dear Sev,_

_ I can tell you more tomorrow, but it was great. The food seemed a little suspicious in some places though. Tunie swore she finished her whole plate of snails while I was in the bathroom, but I think Dad ate them. Are you guys going on vacation this summer?_

_ Dear Lily,_

_ Probably not. We don't really go on trips very often. I look forward to hearing about France._

No one understood that Lily had bothered to look deep enough inside Severus to find some good. Their childhood friendship seemed oddly unbreakable; even after they'd each made other friends, they stuck together. Eventually her friends learned to accept that she would probably be with Severus at least a quarter of the time.

_Dear Sev,_

_ Tunie just teased me when I told her I had to write you a letter. Last year she thought it was strange, but now she says it's just babyish. We may have finished third year, but I don't agree. Writing a letter is a perfectly acceptable and adult way of exchanging information._

_ Dear Lily,_

_ I'd say so. Petunia is probably just jealous that no one is sending her letters by owl, even if it is your owl._

_ Dear Sev,_

_ I hate to think like that, though. She's not purposely spiteful. She just doesn't understand._

_ Dear Lily,_

_ If you say so. Are you going on vacation any time soon?_

Unfortunately, being an oddling and friends with a Gryffindor poster child left him open to teasing. Boys like James Potter and Sirius Black were well-liked, but Severus didn't understand why. They were cocky, inconsiderate, and foolish. Most of their amusement came at the expense of others, although no targets satisfied them quite like Severus. This infuriated Lily and, although Severus tried to talk her out of it, she often confronted them about it. In his opinion, this only made matters worse because James was infatuated with her. _His_ Lily.

_Dear Lily,_

_ I finally got an owl! What's in like to know that you aren't the only one who can initiate the conversation?_

_ Dear Sev,_

_ That's great! It's the perfect time too because you can send away from O.W.L prep material._

_ Dear Lily,_

_ Do you really think we need to be worrying about that quite yet? We've got all summer, plus the school year. O.W.L.s aren't until the end of term, remember? You should have a little fun while we're still young enough to enjoy it. Can you meet me at the park tomorrow?_

_ Dear Sev,_

_ I'm sorry, but I can't. My Mum wants me to go shopping in London with her. Can we meet the day after?_

_ Dear Lily,_

_ I can't. I decided to get a job this summer, so I'm busy tables at that little café on Pruitt Way. The only days I'm free are Wednesday and Sunday. Care to meet me on Wednesday?_

_ Dear Sev,_

_ That doesn't work for me either. James invited all the Gryffindors in our year to a party at his home on Wednesday. I'm really sorry._

_ Dear Lily,_

_ Don't worry about it. I'm sure we can figure out sometime._

It meant that world to Severus that she chose him over James, even if they weren't actually together. Lily understood that he wasn't a bad person. At least, she used to. That was before he'd been stupid in fifth year and lost her to Potter. Years later, he still had trouble believing that one mistake on his part had sent the only girl he'd ever loved running to the first man she saw. It was his only regret.

_Dear Lily,_

_ You know that I'm sorry, right? I've said it to you at least five dozen times since the incident, but you never seem to care. Won't you please forgive me?_

_ Dear Lily,_

_ It seems you didn't get my last letter, although Garran didn't return it to me. I never meant to say those things. I know you don't approve of my friends, but I'm in Slytherin. Not many people outside my house are willing to accept me like you do. They aren't you._

_ Dear Lily,_

_ Please. Once could have been a coincidence, but twice? I know you think I've turned heartless, but I haven't. I was humiliated and confused, so I said the first thing that came to mind._

_ Dear Lily,_

_ I need you to forgive me. Please Lily._

_ Dear Severus,_

_ Please do not send me any more letters. I do not wish to receive them._

After doing so many bad things in his life, Severus couldn't stand having so many regrets. When Dumbledore gave me his final assignment: kill me and explain to the boy, he decided to rethink his life. It all came back to that day. He spent the next two years chasing after her without hope. Eventually she started dating Potter, and their situations reversed. Now _he_ was the one she hung out with while Severus stood around and begged.

_Dear Lily,_

_ I can't believe that you didn't even invite me to your wedding. Instead, Marlene tells me at the Three Broomsticks two days before it's happening, smirking and asking if I'll be there. It may be petty, but I hope you notice my absence as you walk down the aisle. It's your fault. Give my regards to Potter, although I guess you'll be one soon._

_ Dear Snape,_

_ Don't ever send my fiancé another letter. You have no right to try and ruin her day like that. Do it again, and I promise that you will regret it._

While Lily was married in a white dress surrounded by her "good" friends, Severus sat in a bar getting drunk off his arse. It hurt too much, he decided. In order to get by without Lily, he would have to become cold and heartless, just as Lily had always defended that he was not. Perhaps he was already half way there.

_Dear James Potter,_

_ You said not to send Lily any more letters, so I guess this is for you. I would appreciate it if you let her read it, even if it's just to prove you're nobler than me. Lily: Congratulates on your boy. I hear it looks just like your husband. I can't pretend to be happy for the two of you, but I _am_ glad you're happy. I promise I won't write again unless it's in reply._

His cold exterior led him to join the Death Eaters and do horrible things. He killed people and unwittingly led the woman he still loved to her death.

All because of one word.

Mudblood.

**It's be pointed out that cannon shows their friendship spiraling down long before that, but I think Snape would have overlooked Lily's disaproval. In his mind, he's pinned down the point Lily walked away. Everything before that he blames on James or turned a blind eye to.**


End file.
